I deserved getting called out by Zeb this morning. I absolutely don’t care who’s going to win the Super Bowl this season because it’s going to be a tough one to watch.
My Oakland Raiders, who are paying a lot of dead money to clear the deck of overpaid, over the hill players, will likely win two to four games this season. If they’re lucky, they will win the Clownin’ for Clowney sweepstakes and have the opportunity to select South Carolina’s Jadeveon Clowney with the first overall pick next Spring. But it all depends on how incompetent the Cleveland Browns are this year. I call them the Clowns for a good reason!
If I had a choice, I’d rather be ranking the top sixteen pairs of shoes in my closet than football teams but here I am with some picks that I’m sure we’ll all get a huge laugh out of by the time the NHL season begins:
AFC EAST: Patriots, Dolphins, Bills, Jets. The Patriots have no excuse to go less than 5-1 within their division. The Dolphins are mediocre, the Bills don’t have a decent QB, and the J-E-T-S Suck! Suck! Suck!
AFC NORTH: Ravens, Bengals, Steelers, Browns. The Ravens should win the division, but the Bengals are on the rise. The Steelers are getting old, and no one expects anything out of the Clowns this year.
AFC SOUTH: Texans, Colts, Titans, Jaguars. The Texans are a lock to win the division, and the Colts will get a wild card. No one knows which Chris Johnson will show up, so the Titans are hard to nail down. Playoff team? Maybe, but most likely not. The Jaguars? I think they’re more concerned about extending their brand to London than finding an NFL quarterback.
AFC WEST: Broncos, Chiefs, Chargers, Raiders. The Broncos are AFC Championship bound unless Peyton Manning gets hurt. Like the AFC East, the rest of the division is mediocre at best with the Chiefs being the best of the worst. The Chargers and the Raiders have three contests this season – two NFL games and the race to see who plays next season in Los Angeles. Ha!
WILD CARDS: Bengals and Colts
AFC CHAMPION: Broncos
NFC EAST: Giants, Redskins, Cowboys, Eagles. Easily the most competitive division in the NFL. You could flip a coin with the Giants as heads, the Redskins as tails, and there’s your division winner. The only guarantees I give is the Eagles will finish fourth and Tony Romo won’t win a playoff game this year.
NFC NORTH: Vikings, Packers, Bears, Lions. I’m sticking my neck out on this one because the Packers can win the division, but the Vikings are loaded. Both team could go 11-5 or better. The Bears will still be middle of the road and the Lions are a mess.
NFC SOUTH: Falcons, Saints, Panthers, Buccaneers. None of these teams stink, but only the Falcons are guaranteed a postseason berth. The Saints have experience and should hold off the Panthers for second place.
NFC WEST: 49ers, Seahawks, Rams, Cardinals. The top two teams could easily play each other in the NFC Championship. The Rams are rebuilding and the Cardinals are… the Cardinals.
WILD CARDS: Seahawks and Redskins. The Packers will probably get punked by one of those frivolous tiebreakers.
NFC CHAMPION: Seahawks
SUPER BOWL CHAMPION: Seahawks. Trust me. I hate saying that because I think Pete Carroll is a weasel and deserves a much worse fate.