Friday, September 06, 2013

Does My Team Suck That Bad?

This is some of the funniest crap I've ever read about the Redskins.  But the funniest thing is--IT'S ALL TRUE, SCREAMINGLY TRUE!

The following are selected sound bites from "Deadspin's" "Why Your Team Sucks: 2013"

1.  YOUR QUARTERBACK:  Robert Griffin III, who has all the athleticism of Cam Newton and none of the durability.

     Only the Redskins could fuck this up. Only the Redskins could draft such a brilliant young talent, let him get slaughtered on a rec softball league-quality playing surface, and then spend the entire offseason passive aggressively sniping with both him and his doctor. RGIII is the most exciting player in football, yet he is exceptionally fragile, unsurprisingly pigheaded, and is flanked by WTA-quality stage parents. The Redskins—who suck at public relations more than any company has sucked at anything—have mishandled Griffin to the point where I'm now excited for him to finally lose it and tweet out "FUCK SHANNY" and then delete the tweet five seconds later.

     Redskins fans worship RGIII the way a stalker worships a woman he's about to stab to death. They love him so much that they get SO VERY ANGRY when RGIII does something to disappoint them, like accepting gifts from fans on his wedding registry. WE LOVE YOU RGIII BUT NOW YOU MUST DIE FOR NOT BEING PERFECT. WE SHALL WEAR YOUR SKIN AT NIGHT. If I were RGIII, I would be terrified.


     a.  Snyder. More Crown Royal, Mr. Snyder?

     b.  Albert Haynesworth. The best part was that everyone knew he would tank the second he got paid, and yet the Skins couldn't WAIT to fly him in.

     c-f.  Bruce Smith/Deion Sanders/Jeff George/Mark Carrier. I miss the days of Snyder openly trying to buy a championship and then failing miserably.

     g.  Michael Westbrook

     h.  Malcolm Kelly. It's amazing how many teams have whiffed on wideouts in the second round. Drafting a wideout in the second round is like putting your hand in a coffee grinder.

     i-k.  Jim Zorn/Norv Turner/Steve Spurrier

     l.  Taylor Jacobs

     m.  Desmond Howard

     n.  Josh Morgan. That's some clutch taunting, right there.

     o.  Heath Shuler

    p.  Dana Stubblefield

     q.  Adam Archuleta. Say his name to any Skins fan and they will drive off a highway ramp.

     r.  Danny Wuerffel. Once upon a time, there existed a LESS talented Tim Tebow.

"Remember that one kid in school who was popular only because he had money and nobody ACTUALLY enjoyed spending more than 30 seconds in his presence? And everyone was just about to wash their hands of him completely but then his folks got him a Camaro for his 16th birthday? And then everyone wanted to hang out with him again, right up until the point where he wrapped the Camaro around a telephone pole, at which point everyone felt justified in just writing him off as a complete dipshit for good?  The Redskins are that kid and Robert Griffin III is our Camaro."
"FedEx Field is a super dump. It's the reason you stay home to watch games in HD on your couch. Getting in and out of the place is a disaster that will take you hours. It's a giant corporate shit hole that ends up half full of Eagles or Cowboys fans even when they aren't fucking playing there. The 400 section is a nightmare level filled with drunken brawls, usually among Redskins fans. The field is the biggest embarrassment in the NFL. It looks like a fucking mine field. Snyder will spend a fortune on players (usually shitty) but probably not even $10 on the awful grounds crew this team has. We wait decades to get a franchise QB and our own fucking field helps injure him. Perfect."
"The team's pass defense was 30th in the league so they finally cut DeAngelo Hall. To replace him they bring in - DeAngelo Hall!"
"All the bad things ever written and said about this stadium are understatements. It is the anti-stadium."

"If Dan Snyder was drowning in the Anacostia River, I'd throw him a cinder block."

"RGIII's knee will no doubt collapse into itself, creating a black hole and ending all life on Earth as we know it."

"Rex Grossman is still somehow on the roster."

"Go up to Northern Virginia and ask anyone to name their favorite player from the past 10 years and the answer is ALWAYS Chris Cooley."

"I love my dog. She's really great and I'd do anything for her. I'd also put her in a burlap bag and beat her with a brick if it meant not seeing any more fucking wide receiver screens to Santana Moss for a two yard loss."

"In 2007 I snagged the Eagles game from my father's season tickets to bring a college friend from Philly. Two drunk morons decided they'd had enough arguing over Joe Gibbs's play calling, stood up and started some aggravated jawing. Sitting directly behind one, who sat behind the other, we had a front row view as the Redskins fan in the higher row, pushing three bills, decided to spear tackle the other, much skinnier, Redskins fan. They flew into the row below and broke off the plastic seat on impact before their wrestling crashed them down into the next row, crushing the people beneath them and scattering those nearby. After fighting down a few more rows of the upper deck, they landed on another drunk Redskins fan who, instead of getting out of the way, joined in. The melee, which began in the 15th row, turned into one of those cartoon fights where you only see fists sticking out of a tangle of bodies, eventually reaching the bottom of the section where a half dozen security guards showed up and restrained everyone.  Immediately after the fight began, McNabb tossed a screen pass to Brian Westbrook that resulted in a scrambling 57-yard touchdown run that put the Eagles up by one with three minutes left. I only saw a split second of the play as the stadium noise caused me to look up from the fight long enough to acknowledge the Redskins were blowing the game. The Eagles would go on to score another touchdown and win 33-25.  This was also the last game Sean Taylor (SEAN TAYLOR!!!!!!!11) played."


Anonymous said...

That is some funny stuff on Deadspin. I loved the Raiders one.

DC Homer said...

I howled, because it was ALL TRUE! Especially that quote about Deangelo Hall!

Brent said...

That is some funny stuff. The sentence on the Bucs page that killed me was this:

Even Tony Romo thinks you people suck at finishing things.

That just hurts.